


Correlation and Causation

by Tanaletheia



Series: Living With Your Secret Identity [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Bat Family, Batfamily Shenanigans, College, Crack, Family Bonding, Gen, Humor, Identity Reveal, Prompt Fic, Secret Identity, Superheroes, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-23 00:39:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tanaletheia/pseuds/Tanaletheia
Summary: based on this tumblr post"A Statistics teacher in Gotham makes a graph comparing times when Bruce Wayne goes on long vacations with times Batman gets beaten up really badly by villains to illustrate to his class how correlation does not equal causation."





	Correlation and Causation

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't take this too seriously. I wanted to write this to get it out of my head adn it kind of got out of control.  
> Hope you enjoy it anyways!

Stephanie hated her Statistics course. That's why she had her phone on the table in front of her and was playing games.

It was not like they were learning anything _useful_. The Professor was just talking about mathematical principles that nobody was expected to remember anyways. The exam for this class was a paper. She was going to have Tim help her with that anyways. But Professor Annoying-Talker was taking _attendence_. Who even did that? College was not supposed to be like this.

Steph sighed and tuned back in to what the Prof was saying. Class was almost over anyways. Maybe he would have something interesting to say after all. And he actually did.

"And as you all know from your syllabus, next week we're starting the practical part of this class. In preparation you should keep an eye on any Justice League and all other Hero related news."

This declaration had Steph straighten in her seat and quirk an eyebrow in interest. Maybe she could get something out of this class after all.

Meanwhile Professor Davies was looking smug at all his students that finally perked up after completly ignoring him for the last hour or so. "I choose a different topic for our practical part and your End of Term papers every semester and this time, we are going to work with Superhero statistics!"

The whole rooms mood lightened. Every student turned to their neighbor and started to discuss their favourite heros. Everyone except Steph. She had been about to turn to her neighbor, when she realised. She couldn't _talk_ to anyone in this class about the heros she knew. What if she slipped up? The rest of term was going to be torture!

She grabbed her phone from where she had been playing Candy Crush on the table moments before and started texting.

Steph: ** _Jason, my man, my brother from another mother, my bae._**

It didn't take him long to reply.

Jay: ** _no._**

Steph clicked her tongue.

Steph: ** _u don't even know what I was gonna say_**

Jay: ** _didnt need to_**

Steph: ** _ur loss. BUT it would have been epic._**

Jay: ** _..._**

Steph looked at her purple nail polish, maybe a little too chipped, she should text Cass and ask for a girls night. But first... 5, 4, 3, 2, _ding_.

Jay: **_what were you going to say_**

Steph: ** _I found the perfect opportunity to make fun of civilians and superheros_**

Jay: ** _go on_**

It all depended on the delivery.

Steph: **_my statistics class is gonna start using heros as examples next week. u should totes come and hang with me_**

Jay: **_... I'm not going to your boring ass statistics class to listen to people discuss how many building each of the supes levels on average in a month._**

Time for begging.

Steph: **_pleeeeeaaaassseeee? I can NOT sit in this class alone without accidentally saying something I'm not supposed to know :'(_**

Jay: **_nope._**

Steph bit her thumb while trying to come up with a new strategy. She had initially counted on Jason's fondness for education. She knew he had wanted to go to college before he died. Had wanted to study literature. But apparently not even the incentive of an actual college class could make Jason take a math class without requirement.

So bargaining it would be.

Steph: **_what about if I do smt for u too?_**

In that moment people started leaving the room. Oops. She had completely missed the last 15 minutes of class. Oh well, not like she could remember the first 15 either. On her way home she got another text. It seemed like Jason was wavering if it took him this long to respond.

Jay: **_like what?_**

Score. Jason was caving. Now all she had to do was negotiate the price.

Steph: **_hmmm, dunno what do you want?_**

She got to her apartment and put her book bag on the table. Steph went to the fridge to get some water when she got another text.

Jay: **_how about you stop coming over uninvited and eating my food?_**

Steph: **_how about I don't do that and instead help pay for groceries?_**

Jay: **_with what money? you haven't even paid back the 20 dollars I loaned you two months ago_**

Steph scoffed.

Steph: **_rude. It's not like you have a day job. So what if your drug lord money pays for my new pair of sunglasses? At least now it's helping a good cause_**

Jay: **_how are your new sunglasses a good cause?_**

Steph was lounging on her couch by now, hanging upside down with her feet on the backrest.

Steph: **_they protect my eyes. my eyes are important for my night time activities. ergo: a good cause._**

Jay: ** _... you know, I already pay for my shit with that money so it doesn't need another "good cause"_**

Steph: **_yeah. I don't think your ammo counts as a good cause. but you're trying to sidetrack me! Back to business!_**

Jay: **_it was worth a try_**

Steph: **_I can get Tim to foot my grocery bill to you_**

Jay: **_and how exactly are you gonna accomplish that?_**

Steph: **_threaten to show Alfred the pic of him mixing energy drinks in his coffee_**

Jay: **_damn. he does that? no wonder his growth is stunted. fine. if you get me the money I'll go with you_**

Steph: **_< 3_**

After sending a last text to Jason it was time to tackle the next bird boy. They should know not to stand between her and what seh wanted. Steph dialed Tim's number and put the phone to her ear.

"I hope this isn't about your outfit again because I am in a board meeting," Tim's voice sounded annoyed. Nothing new.

Steph had a sickly sweet smile crawling across her face when she answered him.

"Remember how I told you I deleted the photo of you mixing your coffee with energy drinks? I didn't."

Steph could hear a chair being pushed back and Tim leaving the meeting room with an excuse about a family matter. Shortly after, he had apparently found a place to continue their talk.

"What do you want?" he hissed.

"I need you to do something for me."

 

\----

 

A week later Jason was parking his bike on campus and taking of his helmet. He still didn't want to be here, but Steph had actually come through on the grocery bill thing. Jason had been a bit baffled as Tim had knocked on his door, handed him a purple credit card and left. It had only been a few hours after his text conversation with Steph.

So now he lit a cigarette and waited for the blonde manipulator to show up and take him to her statistics class.

Jason watched the student wander from one class to the next and winked at the ones who were obviously checking him out.

"I didn't bring you here to get you laid."

"Positive side effect." Jason turned and blew smoke straight into Steph's face. She didn't even flinch. Steph only raised an eyebrow and looked completely unimpressed. It was not satisfying at all.

"Are you done? 'Cause we need to get going if we're gonna make it on time."

"Not my fault you're late." Jason put out his cigarette and motioned for Steph to lead the way.

"A wizard is never late, nor is she early, she arrives precisely when she means to."

"You strike me more as a hobbit than a powerful wizard."

"Nah, Dami and Tim are the hobbits."

Jason put his hand on Steph's arm to stop her from entering the lecture hall and face him.

"Demon brat is not a hobbit. Even on his good days, he's Smeagol."

Steph blinked and thought it for a second.

"You're right. He would die in lava trying to become B and not even notice."

"Well this just became depressing. Let's get to this shit show you call education."

Stephanie only shrugged her shoulders and led the way to two seats in the back of the room. Jason hoped the seats around them would stay empty. Jason made use of his most intimidating drug lord stare (that most people only felt because of his Hood).

Stephanie noticed her classmates were avoiding her eyes. Even her few friends in this class seemed to sit as far away from her as possible. At least Jason thought she did. Stephanie turned to him, opening her mouth (presumably to ask him if she had something on her face or similar) but she startled instead. Steph narrowed her eyes when she saw Jason's glare. It was at least nice to know that even a bat could still be intimidated by his look. Although the result wasn't enough to stop Steph's impending lecture.

"What the hell?! Why are you glaring at my friends? I don't need you in insecure jealous friend mode I need you in gossip mode!"

Jason bristled at the accusation but did not stop glaring at anyone who came close to them.

"I'm neither insecure nor jealous. I'm trying to ensure we actually _can_ gossip. I didn't come to your stupid ass statistics class just to listen because we might be overheard by the idiots sitting in front of us,"

Jason could practically see Steph fighting with herself, seeing his point but not wanting to give in.

"At least make sure these people don't think you're threatening me. I can already hear them gossip about my 'controlling boyfriend' who I should totally dump." She actually made air quotes and rolled her eyes to illustrate her point.

Jason had to stop glaring to grin at Steph.

"'Controlling boyfriend'?"

"Suddenly in class with me, glaring at everyone who comes close? Yeah. 'Controlling boyfriend'."

"Fair point."

"And you're here because Tim pays for my groceries." She reminded him.

Now Jason glared at her again. Not as intimidating as at the others but still.

"If you didn't randomly turn up in my apartment to ransack my fridge, I wouldn't need Tim's money to feed you."

"But where else would I get the appropriate nourishment a growing girl needs?" Steph teased.

"Try the manor. I hear Alfred takes care of at least two kids at all times. I'm sure he could take you in, too."

Steph made a horrified face. "And eat every meal being stared down by Darth Vader? Plus, Damian is a vegetarian. No, thanks. I'll stay with el casa de Jason."

"Darth Vader? Really?"

Steph held up a hand and started counting with her fingers. "Overdramatic, wears a lot of black, doesn't handle insubordination well, has a tragic love life and probably more kids than he knows about."

Jason started laughing. Since the class had previously been eyeing him warily he could already feel the incredulous looks being directed at him. He ignored them in favour of wiping his hand over his face.

"You think we can convince Bruce to go as Vader this Halloween?"

"I'm sure we can convince Dick that Star Wars is a great group costume for the whole family."

 

Jason was about to respond when the man in the front of the room decided to speak up.

"I am sure all of what you are discussing is very important. But for now why don't you be quiet and we can get started with class."

Eventually the room settled down enough for him to turn to his laptop and start the slide show.

"As I told you last week we are starting the practical part of this lecture today. For everyone that missed the announcement, we are going to look at data about the hero community in northern america. The discussion will be about what we can take away from that by using the tools we already got to know at the beginning of term. Your term paper will be on one hero of your choosing."

Jason immediately elbowed Steph with enough force to make her wince.

"What?" she whispered angrily.

"You should write you paper about me," Jason said with a maniacal gleam in his eyes. Sue him, but he was to psyched by the prospect of having an academic paper written about himself to care.

"Are you insane? There is no possible way to get any data on you without acknowledging that I know you personally."

"You were born and raised in my territory. I'm sure you can pretend to have talked to some anonymous sources."

"Like who? The drug dealers that work for you? I don't think that would count as _heroic_ enough for this paper."

Jason would deny he ever pouted until the day he died (again).

"They don't work _for_ me. They agreed to the lease agreement and know they are allowed to work on my streets."

"This might come as a shock but that sounds like you're a gangster boss. Oh, wait. You are." Steph grinned to make sure he knew she didn't critique him. Just that he wasn't prime material for her paper.

"Fine. But you should still think about it."

"I will. Now shut up and let's see what Professor Davies has on Supes and the others."

 

Oh, right. Statistics. Jason rolled his eyes but focused his attention on the man in the front and his presentation. In the exact moment Steph and Jason realised what they were reading they simultaneously choked on air and Steph almost fell out of her seat.

There on the wall, for all the world to see, was a giant picture of Bruce Wayne next to a picture of Batman. And Professor Davies talked on without a care in the world. Completely oblivious to the discovery he had made. What. The. Fuck.

"Our first example is to show you that Correlation does not equal Causation." The accidental genius said with a big dumb grin plastered across his big dumb face.

"What. The. Fuck." Stephanie whispered next to Jason. "Please tell me you just whacked me over the head and I'm hallucinating."

"Nope." Jason had to swallow to get the next words out. "Your statistics Prof just accidentally discovered Batmans secret identity."

The genius professor kept pratteling on while the bat kid's heads exploded.

"As I was saying before you started gossiping again, everything can be compiled as data." Professor Davies grinned at his students. He clicked to the next slide. It showed a graph of Batmans better known long term injuries and how it correlated to Bruce Waynes vacations. "Here you can see a time table that illustrates every major injury we know the Batman sustained while fighting crime in Gotham or while fighting with the Justice League. It is overlaid with every mystery vacation our beloved cities most prominent citizen Bruce Wayne took."

Steph shot Jason an inquiring look and gestured to her phone.

"Is it time to warn B?"

Jason glanced back at the professor.

"Let's see where the fuck he's going with this first. Hopefully no one would be stupid enough to figure out who Batman is and then tell a college class instead of the police."

"Fair enough. Even Tim's approach was better. But I'm recording this." Steph propped up her phone and hit record. B and Tim would probably want to analyse the footage. As would Babs.

 

"You will notice a severe overlap of the data. What do you gather from this?"

A few of the students hesitantly raised their hands. Professor Davies selected one of them at random and seemed most pleased with the answer he got.

"Is- is Bruce Wayne.... Batman?" A brunette girl with glasses asked. Meanwhile Jason's heart skipped a beat and Steph felt a cold shivver running down her back.

"Why would you think Bruce Wayne is Batman?"

"B-because you just showed us the data proving Bruce Wayne is always away while Batman is seriously injured." The girl tried to stand her ground on the assumption she just made.

The Professor smiled kindly at her and nodded. "I did. But do you know what I left out of my compiled data?"

The girl shook her head and every other student including Jason and Stephanie leaned forward in their seats in anticipation.

"Everything else. Look at this graph showing the sales of high heels in the Diamond District in correlation to either Batman's injuries _or_ Mr. Waynes vacations. If the overlap between the first two variables is enough to come to the conclusion that Bruce Wayne is Batman, then this new data proves that Bruce Wayne is also the biggest buyer of exclusive high heel brands. Do you think he buys them for his dates or does he wear them himself?" Professor Davies winked at the girl who was red as a tomato by now. She was also stuttering incredulously back at him. "Do you see now what I meant when I said that Correlation does not equal Causation? Just because this data is presented in a way that makes it easy to come to a specific conclusion does not mean the subjects are related at all. And even if they were, this data alone can not give us the full picture. Who here can tell me another Causation in which Batman's injuries affect Bruce Waynes travels or the shoe sales in the Diamond District. Any theory is possible, please."

 

Silence fell over the room. Professor Davies looked down at his student roster.

"How about Miss Brown? Can you think of a theory?"

Stephanie looked at Jason in complete panic.

"Just say anything. Now!" Jason hissed at her.

"Bruce Wayne and Batman are dating."

Even Steph looked horrified at what she had said. Jason gaped at her. Both of their gazes turned to the phone Steph had set to record. Steph paled when she realised that _Bruce would hear her say that_. Fucking hell.

At least the Professor looked pleased. And like he had to keep himself from laughing.

"That's a very interesting conclusion, Miss Brown. Would you like to explain how that explains Mr. Waynes disappearances during Batmans injuries?"

Steph cleared her throat. "Maybe... Maybe Bruce Wayne nurses Batman back to health like a caring boyfriend should?"

Jason could see her wince at her own words.

"Are you fucking insane?" He asked Steph while trying and failing to repress the chuckle climbing up his throat. Apparently he had spoken loud enough for the whole class to hear him.

"Language, Mister...?" Professor Davies turned his attention to Jason.

"Jason Todd." He replied without thinking. He gestured at Steph. "I'm shadowing my friend today."

Steph turned to Jason with her eyes almost bugging out when she hissed at him. At least _she_ was careful not to be heard even though the whole room was turned towards them. "Are _you_ insane?! You're still supposed to be fucking _dead_!"

Jason clenched his jaw. Shit. That had been stupid. This stupid Professor had potentially researched everything about Bruce Wayne. Even his dead adoptive son.

"Can you tell us why Bruce Wayne dating the Batman is such an incredulous concept to you, Mr. Todd?"

Ort not. And if the Professor was looking for bullshit theories smacktalking Bruce, he had come to the right place. Jason straightened in his seat, adopted the most serious look he could and spoke while trying to ignore the phone that was still recording everything.

"Batman is crushing hard on Superman. Have you not seen any of the lastest Justice League footage? The sexual tension was palpable through the tv. I'm half convinced the aliens left because they couldn't stand them checking each other out anymore."

Steph put her hands over her face and whispered something that sounded like a prayer.

Professor Davies laughed at Jason's ranting. "Well, I certainly didn't expect _this_ theory. How about the rest of you?"

A green haired guy in the front row raised his hand. "Superman keeps hitting on that Lane chick. She's a reporter for the Daily Planet in Metropolis. Does this mean he's using her as a beard?"

Steph had pressed her hand over her mouth and kept hitting Jason on his arm. He too had trouble keeping his amusement to himself.

"Did I just start the rumor that Superman and Batman are gay for each other?"

"Yes. Yes, you fucking did, you big beautiful zombie."

"Remind me to make B a collage for christmas."

"Can we make one for Clark, too?"

"Obviously."

That issue taken care of, Steph decided to contribute to the discussion again. She raised her hand and waited for Professor Davies to acknowledge her again.

"Maybe Supes is bi, and can't decide whether to go after Lane or Batsy. That would explain the tension between them."

Professor Davies contemplated this for a moment. "That is certainly an interesting point of view. Please keep it in mind for next week when we will discuss primarily Superman and the Superkids. But for today let's stay in Gotham."

"Bruce Wayne is a coward." A redhead in a pink pullover suddenly piped up. "When I was interning at the Gazette last year I covered the Wayne Foundation Gala. The Penguin showed up and suddenly Wayne and his spawn were gone. After Batman and Robin handed Penguin over to the police, Wayne was found hiding in a closet with his youngest," the young man scoffed.

Jason groaned. How could B be so good at covert ops and at the same time be so fucking obvious about his own secret identity. He turned to the phone. "What the hell B?"

Green Hair turned towards Pink Pullover. "Yeah, but have you met Damian Wayne? In every interview I've seen he threatened the reporters. If Wayne hadn't hidden him, the brat might have started a fight with Penguin and gotten himself killed."

Jason and Steph broke out laughing. Professor Davies looked like he had been about to comment on Bruce and Damian but was now staring at the crazy kids laughing in the back of the lecture hall.

"Miss Brown, Mr Todd, care to share?"

Stephanie wiped a tear from her eyes. "Dami would start a fight in an empty room. But if he had the chance to fight Penguin it would probably end with Bruce having to build a penguin habitat on the manor grounds."

Jason finally stopped laughing to chastise Steph with a gesture at the phone. "Please don't give him any ideas. If it goes on like this B can start a private zoo."

"Oops," Steph shrugged her shoulders.

Professor Davies stared them down with raised eyebrows. "It sounds like you two have some insights to the Wayne family."

Jason kicked Steph under the table. She was the one that screw up, she could be the one to fix this.

"Oh. Yes. Um. I... went to school with Tim Drake? We're friends."

"Good save," Jason whispered while rolling his eyes.

"Damian may come across as homicidal sometimes, but that's only because he doesn't know how to express affection. He's already a lot better than he was in the beginning. He even watches reality tv with me now."

Jason put one hand over his face and gestured to the phone again.

Green Hair spoke up again. "That just goes to argue my point that it wasn't cowardly of Wayne to take his son away from the Penguin. Whether it was to keep him from getting killed or because he didn't want to start a zoo."

 

Pink Pullover still tried to argue his point. "But he could have been scared. And he always leaves the city when Batman is injured because he is scared of the villains running rampant while Batman isn't around."

"That's very observant Mr Johnson. I would like to flee the city too sometimes. But wouldn't it make more sense to go on vacation whenever there is an Arkham breakout. The data we have here says nothing about Bruce Waynes personality. Or his children's for that matter." Professor Davies tried to get the discussion back on topic.

Pink Pullover however, couldn't leave it alone. "But his personality is imperative to interpreting this data! Brucie Wayne is _not_ smart enough to be Batman! Batman is a detective! Wayne is a glorified playboy!"

Some people in the class and the Professor looked uncomfortable at the declaration and glanced at Jason and Steph. But Bruce acted like an airhead in public for a reason. This exact reason. So that people would think the notion of him being Batman was completely ridiculous, whatever proof may surface.

"Yes. Bruce is an airhead. An idiot even. Why do you think Damian's mother tried raising him alone? Even she could see that 'Brucie Wayne' can not be trusted with an infant," Jason stated bluntly. Steph considered deleting the recording immediately. But even if they had keep it from the Bats they could still show it to Babs. Trade the tape for a few favours. Or not. Barbara would probably blackmail them with all the shit they said. They would have to wait and see how this would play out before they could make any decisions.

Professor Davies looked uncomfortable with Jason's declaration. Which was fair. Nobody but his family liked to bad mouth Gotham's most prominent citizen. Davies cleared his throat. "I am sure things were a little more complicated than that. But I also don't believe we should get into this discussion right now. Let's get back to the data. What can you tell from this?"

 

A girl with a black bob cut and big glasses raised her hand.

"That we really need the reported shoe store thefts for the same time period. Maybe the reason shoe sales drop when Batman and Bruce Wayne are out of town is because people know they can get away with stealing them instead."

"I thought so too, which is why I _have_ prepared that data for you."

The slides changed to include thefts were women's shoes were targeted.

"As you can see, there doesn't appear to be a correlation but a good theory none the less. Anyone else?"

A guy with long blond hair spoke up. "There have been rumors that Wayne funds Batman for years. Maybe he _does_ have to nurse Batman back to health or at least organise and oversee his recovery. Just without the dating part." Goldie Locks shrugged his shoulders.

Pink Pullover scoffed loudly. "So what, you think Bruce Wayne is secretly a really capable person who helps the Justice League organise their medical and business affairs? He probably can't even take care of himself."

Stephanie shot Jason a look that clearly said she agreed but if he opened his big fat mouth she was _not_ going to shield him from Bruce when they inevitably handed over the recording. Jason decided to keep his trap shut this once. No need to make himself miserable by pointing out Bruce would forget to eat without Alfred.

Green Hair didn't have the same reservations. "True, my friend works at Wayne Enterprises and she once heard Wayne ask his secretary whether two hundred dollars was enough when his kids wanted to go to McDonald's."

Stephanie obviously felt that this statement needed correction above all others. "But that's just a thing for people who were born rich. They are used to thinking in different price ranges," she smirked. "If you want to know if a rich person is self-sufficient, ask them whether they know how to operate their washing machine and dishwasher. By the way, Brucie doesn't know either."

Many of the students laughed at her declaration. Jason leaned towards the phone and whispered something so only the device could pick it up. "You're welcome by the way, Bruce. No one here will ever suspect you of being Batman again."

 

Goldie Locks tried to get the discussion back on Batman and away from Bruce. "Can we even look at the crime statistics in Gotham without including Batman's sidekicks?"

Professor Davies shot Goldie Locks a thankful look. "A very good point. Which of Batman's sidekicks do we know?"

Steph and Jason simultaneously turned towards the phone and hissed angrily. "We are _not_ sidekicks!"

A brunette girl with sunglasses on her head, who was almost sitting as far back as they were, cleared her throat and started the list. "Well, Robin of course. But there has been more than one of them. And Batgirl. There have been some of them, too, there were three different hair colours. Uhm.. Red Robin?"

"Nightwing!" Green Hair looked very eager to contribute. His enthusiasm made Jason rolled his eyes. Obviously a fanboy.

"There used to be that purple chick," Pink Pullover said unsure. "And someone in all black? They never talk to anyone."

"Very good. Are we missing anyone?" Professor Davies didn't seem to think so and was about to move on when a mousy girl near the door spoke barely loud enough to be heard at all.

"The Red Hood."

Steph turned her brightest smile on Jason. "You're officially a hero."

Jason stared at the girl. He was sure he'd seen her before.

Green Hair turned to the girl with a confused look. "If Red Hood is even real, he is a villain. He is wanted by the police and the Justice League. He isn't Batman's sidekick."

The girl looked a lot more confident when she spoke again. "The Red Hood protects the woman and children of Crime Alley. He may shoot abusive pimps and human traffickers, but if you are looking at vigilantes and their correlation or causation of crime rates in Gotham, Red Hood is a major player."

"Ah," The pieces in Jason's mind kicked together.

"She's really defensive of you, you stud," Steph elbowed him in the side.

Jason shook his head. "Get your mind out of the gutter. And never say that to her. Her big sister is one of the working girls. That girl there, she brings all of them snacks to share every night before she goes to bed. She is defensive of them, not me."

"Red Hood is still a wanted criminal! Any mob boss controls what offences his underlings can and can't commit." Green Hair was apparently prejudiced. At least Jason and Steph thought so.

"I'm not a 'mob boss'. I don't even have any underlings."

Steph raised an eyebrow and smirked at Jason. "They have to give you a cut of their take. I think that qualifies you as their boss in his mind. And some of theirs."

"Well, I'm not," Jason pouted and laid his chin on his crossed arms.

Meanwhile Pink Pullover straightened in his seat gearing for an argument. " _Actually_ , I heard Red Hood isn't wanted by the Justice League anymore. Seems like Nightwing vouched for him. The press release said something about a combination of 'past trauma', 'temporary insanity' and 'reintroduction to society'? The League decided to refer to Batman for judgement since it's a Gotham issue." Pink Pullover was summarising the last part from the article on his phone.

Jason hissed at the phone. "I was _not_ insane, Dick."

Mousy Girl preened at the information. "See? That means even Superman doesn't think Red Hood is a bad person."

"Just a bad influence," Steph said.

Jason bristled. "He never said that."

"Of course he didn't. He's Superman. But he doesn't let Jon come over while you're babysitting," Steph pointed out.

"I never babysit anyways."

"And why do you think that is?" Steph looked smug.

Jason rolled his eyes. "Bruce doesn't think I'm a bad influence on Damian. He just knows I'm fun and he's not, so he doesn't want Dami to like me better."

"If you say so," Steph actually started _giggling_.

"Pay attention to them instead of trying to figure out Bruce's motivations," he gestured to the room at large.

 

By now Professor Davies had switched to a graph that he had titled "Batman's sidekicks active years". It showed the different vigilante identities and the years someone was reported to have used them.

Black Bob girl was ranting about something. "... and we're just supposed to belief that Batman finds this many kids who do the whole vigilante thing voluntarily?"

"Maybe Robin was one person all along and he's just some kind of metahuman that doesn't age properly," Pink Pullover theorised.

Mousy Girl looked mad. "You're completely ignoring the girl Robin! I know she was only around for a short time, but she died protecting this city. Do not marginalise her to protect your outlandish theory!"

"I'm gonna treat her to lunch." Steph had to blink the moisture out of her eyes.

Jason threw his arm around her shoulder in a half hug. "This is the part where we're supposed to keep our traps shut, right?"

Pink pullover seemed like he wanted to sink through his seat. Though if Mousy's look could kill he would never have to contemplate the integrity of his seat ever again.

Green Hair tried to keep the peace. "Maybe he can also shapeshift? The boy-Robins don't look much alike either. Only their hair colour is the same."

"I don't think Batman works with metas," said Black Bob, "The last time Superman followed someone to Gotham, Batman shouted 'No metas allowed!' and basically bullied him out of the city, then delivered the criminal to the city limits for pick up."

"Batman is such a diva," Stephanie chimed in loudly.

"And Superman is a push over," Jason grinned.

 

Professor Davies cleared his throat and tried to ignore the laughing students. "Anyways. Staying with the whole Bruce Wayne theme I have compiled data of when Wayne's children came to live with him." He clicked to the next graphic. "As you can see there is some overlap with his children and the Robins. But while some of the times correlate, others do not. Mr. Drake for example only came to live with Mr. Wayne a significant time after the third Robin entered the stage. What else do you see in this data?"

Green Hair almost jumped out of his seat trying to be the first to answer. "Almost every time a Robin or Batgirl retires a new Hero shows up."

"Does that mean Robin and Batgirl are trainees? Like an internship?" Goldie Locks furrowed his brow.

"Maybe," Pink Pullover shrugged his shoulders, "Maybe they're young and stupid and get killed."

The room quieted instantly. After almost a minute Goldie Locks cleared his throat. "Wow. That was insensitive considering how Wayne's second son died."

Pink Pullover tried to sink through his seat again. It seemed the guy kept putting his foot in his mouth today. Jason in contrast had trouble containing his laughter. He whispered breathlessly and with faked indignation to Steph. "Stop telling people I'm dead!"

"Sometimes I can still hear your voice," she replied before biting her cheek in amusement.

Black Bob took pity on Pink Pullover and resumed the discussion. "If Robin and Batgirl are intern gigs, do you think they're paid interns?"

Jason supported his chin with his hand and his elbow on the desk. He raised his voice to intentionally be heard this time and drawled. "Do the training, adventure and cool gadgets count?"

"That's a good point," Goldie Locks nodded towards Jason, "How does Batman _pay_ for all his stuff?"

"He probably skimms from all the mobsters he puts away," Jason grinned madly. Steph groaned. "The GCPD would never know if some of the money is missing."

"He's going to kill you," Steph whispered behind her hand.

"Pfft. He can thank me for this. This is perfect misdirection. I could be a stage magician with this level of skill."

"Well... at least that sounds like fun."

Professor Davies gaped at Jason. As did everyone else. "You think Batman steals from the criminals he captures."

Jason shrugged at the incredulous looks he'd garnered. Stephanie glanced at her phone one last time before following Jason to their doom. "It would explain why he seems to never actually catch catwoman. I mean, she's a thief. And Batman usually stops her or gets whatever she stole back. But I can't remember if he ever actually caught her and delivered her to the cops."

Okay, maybe using Selina had been a low blow. Bruce was well aware that his relationship with Selina was anything but ideal. But. This was such a great opportunity to egg B on. And if it helped to divert anyone here from thinking Batman had money on his own? It was an added bonus.

Mousy Girl tapped her fingers on her desk in contemplation. "So he's kind of like Robin Hood, taking from the rich and giving to the poor, even if he doesn't hand out cash."

"Batman doesn't steal!" Green Hair had shot up from his seat. "Why do you all just accept this?!"

Jason raised an eyebrow. "There is no way Batman has enough legal funds to pay for all his toys. So the alternatives are that he embezzles from his day job, that he has a fake charity set up or some other nefarious scheme."

"Or do you think Batman _really is_ Bruce Wayne and he's using his personal funds and no one noticed?" Steph chimed in.

"N-no... but what if- what about- just funding! Wayne pays someone else to be Batman." Green Hair looked smug.

That is until Black Bob spoke. "Who the hell would take that job voluntarily? No. Batman's crusade is personal. Otherwise he could just be in the military or the police."

Goldie Locks gasped like he just had an epiphany. "Guys. What if. There is more than one Batman. It's a whole squad. Like a secret military thing."

"Then why would he disappear because of injuries?" asked Black Bob.

"Maybe that's only when they are _all_ injured. I mean, how do we know that he's injured?"

"He disappears after a big fight."

Jason saw an opportunity and took it. "So Bats could just be going on vacation and not be injured at all. How did you compile the data Professor?"

Professor Davies was shuffling his notes. He was probably trying to find a way to get the discussion back on track. "Most of the times the criminals or witnesses could tell Batman was injured in the fight. But yes, for some of my data there is no confirmed injury. Technically for none since Batman hasn't exactly reported an assault or pressed charges."

That would be the sight of the century. Batman slamming the doors of the precinct open, striding towards the front desk, raising his gauntleted hand and ringing the little bell to get the officers attention, glowering at the poor police man just to growl out 'I'd like to report a crime.' Later sitting in court wearing the full batsuit and telling the judge how some low life thug kicked him in the nuts.

Jason chuckled. That was a mental image meant to be shared with everyone later, just not Bruce, Alfred or Damian. They wouldn't appreciate it enough.

"Does this mean Batman might actually just go on vacation with Bruce Wayne, his lover?"

The voice had come from somewhere in the middle of the room. but before Jason could see who had spoken, everyone else started hammering out questions and theories as well. Professor Davies resigned himself to never being able to get back on topic. He would also need to revise the plans for the rest of the terms lesson plans to make sure they wouldn't get derailed again.

 

"Does Batman take the suit off for sex?"

"Maybe he's a furry. He accidentally stopped a crime in his fursona and stuck with it because he's not a quitter."

"Batman has serious anger management issues."

"Batman doesn't want any metas in his city because they would know he's full of shit."

"If Batman is dating Superman, maybe Superman is a furry, too."

"I've never seen a bat fursona before."

"Is Aquaman a furry, too?"

"Aquaman is already part fish, I think being a furry would be overkill."

"I thought Batman is dating Catwoman? I saw them make out on a roof."

"Is Catwoman a furry?"

"Is Robin Batman's kid with Superman or Catwoman?"

"Maybe Batman is stalking Bruce Wayne."

"I would stalk Bruce Wayne, too, if I could. He is so gorgeous."

"I think Dick Grayson is hotter than Wayne."

"If we're looking for the hottest guy, it has got to be Nightwing, right? Have you seen that ass? Michelangelo couldn't have sculpted that perfection."

 

"Enough!" Professor Davies voice echoed through the suddenly silent room. " _Please_ get back to the topic at hand instead of gossiping about a butt, no one actually gets to see because it is dark when Nightwing is out and about."

Jason and Stephanie looked at each other. Steph was horrified and Jason gleeful. "Your prof is perving on Dick."

" _Everyone_ is perving on Dick. Doesn't matter which identity."

"You know that B still does background checks on all of Dick's dates without telling him?"

"..." Steph looked at the phone that was still recording everything. She smirked. "Well now he's going to find out."

"Oops," Jason said unapologetically.

 

In the meantime Professor Davies had been able to bring the discussion back to the actual data that had been the lesson's topic.

Pink Pullover finally dared to open his mouth again. "Even if some of the data shows a correlation between the vigilante sidekicks and the Wayne kids, there is a lot that isn't accounted for. The Bats apparently operate separately most of the time, but in times of crisis even Red Hood came to help."

Green Hair cleared his throat. "I heard they refer to each other as family? There is a rumour that Red Hood was having a meeting with his underlings when Nightwing and Red Robin bust in following one of the thugs. The story goes that Red Hood, Nightwing and Red Robin got into a full blown fist fight instantly, something about territories, but when the thugs started attacking the vigilantes Red Hood started shooting at the thugs instead. When the thugs asked why he turned on them. He supposedly shouted 'ohana, bitches' and beat them all up."

"I heard that, too," Mousy Girl said, "The phrase has been tagged everywhere in Crime Alley since."

Steph looked at Jason and raised an eyebrow. The other shrugged and smiled. "Ohana, bitches."

There was a beat of silence after Professor Davies asked "The Red Hood watches Disney movies?"

None of the students had seemed to have thought of that implication before. Jason laughed silently at the students. "You do know that he was a kid once, right?"

Green Hair looked Jason straight in the eye, "I'm not even sure he's human."

Steph winced. Jason tried to maintain his poker face but his eyebrow twitched.

"Of course he's human!" Mousy Girl was baffled.

"Lunch, dinner, ice cream. Let's treat that girl to anything she ever wanted," Steph whispered to Jason, "...with Tim's credit card."

"Naturally."

"On that topic I also believe that the Robins are just normal humans," Mousy Girl explained. "When the first Robin was active he was nicknamed 'boy hostage' in my neighborhood and there were bets on when he would get kidnapped again and by whom. Didn't sound like he could shapeshift himself out of it."

Stephanie looked at Jason. She was concerned because he had suddenly stilled. "You okay?" she whispered.

"I could have made a killing!" Jason hissed as he turned to her. "How did I forget about that? I was betting on it with Dickiebird, so why didn't I think to bet against me and let myself be captured?"

Steph closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. "Because you still had self-preservation instincts. And you had just been adopted by a billionaire. I don't think you needed money."

"I have _survival instincts_ there's a difference. And it's not like I didn't have a go-bag the entire time I lived in the manor. A little more cash would have been a nice addition."

Steph gave Jason a long look. "Does B know about the bag?"

"I actually have no idea," Jason contemplated. Of course he had hidden the bag, but Alfred knew everything about the manor and it's inhabitants. Jason had checked on it regularly and it had never been disturbed. Which didn't really mean much when you were living with Batman.

Steph lightly tapped the edge of her phone. "He does now."

"Aww, shit. So I should probably get my current one from the attic as well."

Goldie Locks cleared his throat. "While we're on the topic of the Bat kids in peril... how the hell do they survive in that kind of family? _My_ big brothers dared me to do some crazy dangerous shit over the years, and I usually did it just because I thought I could. But the Bat kids? They already seem to think they're invincible. My brothers and me jumped from the roof into a snow pile for a kick. They jump from skyscrapers every night. What kind of shit would they come up with to get an adrenaline rush?"

Professor Davies was perplexed. "Don't you think jumping of skyscrapers and fighting villains is enough of an adrenaline rush for them?"

Steph made an undignified snorting sound. Jason held his stomach and was howling with silent laughter.

"Miss Brown?" Professor Davies raised an eyebrow.

Steph tried to get enough air to stay in her lungs to talk coherently before she answered. "Have you ever been bungee jumping? It's a rush, but if you don't up the challenge it gets boring real fast. And the Bat kids have ties to other young superheros, and they're all still teenagers. Or were until recently. Teenagers have very poor impulse control. So if your friends can fly and you basically bungee jump all the time anyways, I imagine the next best thing would be free falling and hoping your friend catches you."

All the students looked at Stephanie as if she was insane. Jason nodded with a solemn expression. Steph grinned with a glance at the phone. Bruce was going to rip Tim a new one when he realised this was what Tim and Kon did when they were bored. It was going to be better than every reality tv show they'd ever watched. They would need to set up the recording equipment in advance.

 

Green Hair started bouncing in his seat. "Maybe that's why the Robins and Batgirls do it! They are teenagers with poor impulse control and worse self-preservation instincts looking for an adrenaline rush!"

"I take offence to that," whispered Steph with a pout.

Black Bob looked at Green Hair incredulously. "And you would still think that's a legitimate excuse for them to go around punching people in the face just because they _think_ the person is guilty?"

Green Hair was apparently a huge Bat-fan as he constantly felt the need to gush about them, or in this case, defend them. "It's not like they beat up random people! They always leave the evidence with the criminals they drop of at the police station!"

"So they might just plant the evidence. That's reassuring."

Mousy Girl turned to Black Bob. "It's not like there aren't independent witnesses and further evidence to be found when the cops go digging for the actual trials. If you think Batman plants evidence then every cop in this city is suspicious. With the corrupt police force here a lot of them are probably guilty anyways."

Black Bob sent a scathing look Mousy Girl's way. "It's about accountability. Every police officer has to answer to their superiors and the people of Gotham city. Their cases can be reviewed and investigated if foul play is suspected. Who does that for Batman?"

"The Justice League," said Green Hair loudly. "Superman wouldn't work with Batman if he didn't trust him."

Jason rolled his eyes. It pissed him off that Green Hair and others only trusted them because the Blue Boy Scout was indirectly vouching for them.

"Besides, in this case the motive is much more important than the means. Or would you prosecute Robin Hood, too? 'Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get.'"

Mousy Girl had good argument and Jason commended her for the parallel. There was just one other thing he had caught. "Did she just quote _Leverage_?" he whispered.

Steph suppressed a giggle and whispered back. "I think she did." She turned her gaze towards Jason, looked him up and down as if to seize him up and continued. "You are soooo Eliot."

Jason returned her gaze with a slight smirk. "What?"

"You like hitting bad guys and cooking."

"If you say so."

Steph looked eager and kept lightly slapping Jason's arm. "Who do you think I am?"

".... Parker."

"Yes! She's the be-"

"'Cause she's batshit shit crazy."

"I take offence to that, too."

Steph was facing the room again and pouting. Jason grinned.

 

Professor Davies sighed. "Be that as it may, it's completely beside the point. Your focus drifts. What conclusions can you draw from the data I've shown you today?"Goldie Locks raised his hand. "Isn't it irrelevant that some of Wayne's kids came to live with him when Batman got new sidekicks? It's not like all all of his sidekicks have a corresponding Wayne kid and the sidekicks disappear or change their superhero personas or something but there is no indication that something happens to the Wayne kids at the same time. Or at least it is not shown."

"Exactly," Professor Davies actually clapped his hands and looked as if he wanted to jump in excitement. "And that is the actual point of this lesson. There is no way to know everything, all of you interpreted the data while considering rumors and gossip that you heard without being able to back up your claims. Theorising is necessary when you look at data and previous knowledge doesn't have to be completely disregarded. But the most important part is the data you're looking at. If you don't have enough to come to a conclusion look for more. Don't speculate when there is so much you don't know and you are biased by what the media told you. This is both the reason superheroes are the topic for your term papers and the reason I chose Bruce Wayne as a comparison. There was no possible way you could have stayed on topic." Professor Davies looked smug. All his students looked gobsmacked. That sneaky little bastard had played them.

"And that's it for today. Think about which superhero you might want to write about for your paper, and start looking for statistics and sources. Next week we'll examine Superman and property destruction. I'll see you next week."

Steph stopped the recording on her phone and turned to Jason. "Well that was interesting."

Jason smirked at her. "I still think you should write about me. You could even ask Oracle to help you compile source material. Make me famous, Stephie."

"I'd rather write about myself," Steph bumped her shoulder into Jason's on their way to the door.

"Oh! I got an idea. Write about the Green Lanterns and make B to proof read."

Jason stopped Steph with a hand on her arm before they left the room. He gestured to Mousy Girl and shot Stephanie an inquiring look.

"Right, lunch," Stephanie made her way over to Mousy Girl with Jason in tow.

Mousy Girl noticed them approaching and eyed them suspiciously. Probably an appropriate reaction considering there were two grinning strangers walking towards her.

"Hi, I'm Steph and this is Jason," she said with a half-wave.

Mousy girl looked from Steph to Jason and back again before answering. "Melinda."

"We were wondering if you wanted to join us for lunch today."

"Uhm... sure?"

"Great," Steph clapped her hands together. "I just have to send my family an invitation for movie night and then we can go. Jason, you're buying."

 Jason rolled his eyes but didn't argue. That's what Tim's credit card was for anyways.

Steph pulled her phone out of her pocket and started typing a message to their group chat.

Steph: **_mandatory movie night at the manor tonight. No weapons or fighting allowed. Jay and I have diplomatic immunity for everything you see._**

While Steph lead Jason and the newly acquired Melinda out of the building and towards her favourite diner the family's responses started coming in.

 

Dick: ** _I'll be there :D_**

Dami: ** _is this mission related?_**

Tim: ** _what did you do?_**

Cass: ** _{grinning emoji} {thumbs up emoji}_**

Bruce: **_there will be no immunity for whatever you did._**

Babs: ** _tell me if you need to disappear for a while. I'll have the papers ready within a few hours_**

Alfred: ** _I shall prepare the entertainment room and snacks._**

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are appreciated!
> 
> Vistit me on [tumblr](https://batkidsaremadkids.tumblr.com)


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